So I am back writing! ?
Hello to everyone that used to enjoy my blogs and welcome to the newbies. I took some time out to process some real loss and grief. I can’t believe it’s been 2016 since I’ve written a solid post. Don’t get me wrong, I have attempted many a time to write & post. I have taken so many blog-esque photos with the intention to write but then when it came to it, I couldn’t get anything out.
I’ll start by saying, it wasn’t a creative block but more an emotional one.
I lost my dear Uncle Ian suddenly to a heart attack in his sleep. I was told by his partner, whilst at work & had the task of informing my mum and brother, who in turn had to tell my Grandparents and extended family. I think relaying the shocking news to my mum and brother was one of the most difficult and worst moments of my life. Rushing from the school I was working at that week to her workplace and enlisting my brother on route, before she left for home was reminiscent of Avengers: Infinity War, when the MCU rush to Wakanda for safety… the universe was crumbling but we had a mission to complete and nothing was going to get in our way. Everything was a blur and I was going to burst if I didn’t get this information to my mother as soon as possible. I felt guilty holding it before her.
The shock rippled throughout both sides of my family. Ian was well loved, fun-loving, well-travelled and kind… 5 days later my boyfriend at the time screamed at me for not collecting his dry-cleaning on time & dumped me. I was on compassionate leave & of course was still trying to help others, stay busy & keep my mum sane. I was grieving whilst simultaneously getting attacked on social media by my narcisstic ex who rarely even posted. Real manipulative behaviour. The funeral happened weeks later. My friends gathered round, let me cry on them, took me out, let me be angry and frustrated. Flowers arrived from said ex, addressed to my mum.
Summer came & I still cried unexpectedly but my favourite months were approaching and I was determined to feel the sun shine on me. My birthday was soon & I was planning a celebration… then less than a week before, I got a text. My cousin Luther had been stabbed multiple times and was on the way to hospital. This time it was the other side of my family, I can’t describe what it did to everyone when he died. The wounds were ripped wide open. My heart in my mouth again… his heart stabbed. Again another heart… why?
Luther was attacked by over 15 men and stabbed 7-8 times, one fatally to the heart. His protective sister, my big cousin and the mother of his first child fought the animals off but couldn’t wade into the fray without getting kicked, punched and pushed out. The community reeled, people I knew, friends, acquaintances came forward with stories about him, some that I didn’t even realise knew him. He died leaving two daughters. One a baby, 10 months, who shared his deep brown eyes, the other a gorgeous pre-teen, his twin, with cerebral palsy and warrior spirit; who he had raised since the age of 19 and utterly adored.
Another kind, beautiful soul gone.
My family fought against York Hall, the police, the savages that went into hiding-to get justice for Luther. Marches, meetings, Movado even created a dedicated dubplate for Lu’s favourite song ‘Story’. He touched so many people, helped old people in his community, paid gas bills, bought shopping for neighbours, paid commissary for jailed friends- that no one even visited. He took his HGV test multiple times before he passed, so he could change his life & provide for his family. He was the head of his family and took that responsibility seriously.
In 5 months, my heart broke 3 times. I spent the rest of the year healing. I tried to create and carry on but actually, I didn’t want to share my feelings. I pulled back from social media and blogging. My heart wasn’t in it. I didn’t want to speak to anyone on a night out that I didn’t know, I was paranoid that any man could be my cousin’s killer, I didn’t want to date… I didn’t have time for nonsense.. I didn’t even have space to deal with the silly break up BS, whilst grief ebbed through every vein in my body; let alone open up to a stranger who wouldn’t understand. I didn’t have anything to give.
I’ve spent the last 2 years just focusing on making the most of life. Meditating, enjoying my family, my friends. Shouting Luther’s name. Doing things that would make Ian proud. Getting my career on track. This year I’ve enjoyed consistency, two plays, a music video by Nigerian artist Will Teg and a huge campaign for my former college Lambeth College. My goal was to get an agent and in my first role this year, a play called The Rally, I achieved this. I got to the finals of War Horse, the national tour. (I lost out due to height but they loved me supposedly, soo fingers crossed). I’m so grateful to have got in the room for some great jobs.
I’ll be posting all those wonderful blog photos I’ve taken over the last 2 years and finally share my thoughts with you lovely lot again.
Please also check out Luther’s page, where you can download his track and keep up to date with the progress of his case here.